Conquering The Roof: A Holiday Parenting Rite Of Passage

I love being a dad.

I love the fun stuff like baseball games, playing outside and riding bikes. I love the difficult stuff, too, like changing diapers, dealing with tantrums and helping with homework. Having kids when I was a bit older, I have the perspective that it's all fleeting- the good times and the hard times. Might as well enjoy it while you have it!

I don't mind mowing the lawn, fixing things around the house, doing laundry or any of the other normal dad duties around the house. However, there is ONE task I dread for 364 days a year.

HUMANS ARE NOT MEANT TO BE SO HIGH IN THE AIR 

The task? Hanging the Christmas lights on the roof of our house! I just don't have the stomach for it. I wouldn't necessarily say I'm scared of heights because I have hiked mountains, been on airplanes, rode rollercoasters, etc, but something about the angle of the roof and the way I have to reach over the edge to fasten the light clips just gives me the willies.

Our house isn't even big! In fact, I think many would laugh when they saw what I considered "heights." "Heck," they'd say. "I once hung Christmas lights from a clock tower during the Blizzard of '91 and you are scared of this little split-level house?"

With my head hung in shame, I would be forced to reply "yes."

I dislike hauling down the huge ladder.  I dislike hauling the actual lights themselves up to the roof. But what REALLY freaks me out is the transition from ladder to roof. I have not perfected the dismount-from-ladder-and-get-footing-on-the-roof move yet (yes, I have been doing this for over ten years).

I squeal and protest like an elementary school kid faced with Brussels sprouts. I will definitely climb to the top of the ladder, chicken out, then climb back down again and declare that I am not doing this again this year. Eventually I will suck it up and just get the job done.

Next is the inevitable big wind storm that will blow half the lights off the roof, making them a saggy, sloppy-looking mess. Of course, at that point, it's -20 outside and the roof is covered in snow and ice. So, it just kind of stays like that.

PROJECTORS 

For a few years, as a younger, child-less man, I got away with using a couple of those projector lights on our garage. It was great for me, my wife protested but didn't push it, and I didn't need to go on the ladder. Having kids with their own idea of what Christmas should look like changed that equation considerably.

So, with the weather in the 60's and the wind a non-factor, today I will climb my roof and put on the lights... but it won't be without fear and loathing.